Manipulation
How not to be manipulated
"Even though I feel like I shouldn't agree to what they say, they always achieve their goals. The way the other person says everything makes me uncomfortable, as if accusatory. I always feel that if I don't comply with them, I'll be the most stupid and mean. As soon as I start to defend myself, they twist it in such a way that they make me feel guilty."
Manipulation is considered as an unethical communication practice. It is often tried by those who want things to go their way, but do not feel confident enough to ask for it directly. This is a form of so-called passive-aggressive behavior. Manipulation causes the other person to feel uncomfortable, which they want to avoid, so they prefer to do what the manipulator wants. The manipulators themselves determine what is right and wrong, what the other person should be ashamed of, and what they should and should not do. For example, the manipulator says, ‚Aren't you embarrassed that we sit here with a colleague until the evening while you just go home?‘ ‚Are you going to let us do it?‘ and will make you feel guilty. But the fact that they sit there because they don't get their work done while you do, and you have a small child that you have to pick up from kindergarten while they enjoy chatting with colleagues at work, is something they don't mention.
The manipulator can also make you feel anxious, saying‚I can't keep this to myself‘ (without explaining why not or what's wrong with it), or inferiority ‚Your predecessor in this position handled much more work than you‘ (‚so what?‘). Usually, when someone manipulates us, we don't feel comfortable during the communication, but at first, we don't know why.
The basic principle of defense against manipulation is that when a statement makes me feel guilty, anxious, or inferior, I internally identify it as manipulative and thereby neutralize its effect.
How to respond to manipulation
1. Internal identification of manipulation
Realize that your feeling emerged as a reaction to a manipulative statement. Stop and let it pass. Someone made you feel like this without your consent.
2. Partial consent
Put on a neutral expression as much as possible, nod your head and briefly indicate that you are not upset by the manipulation. Express agreement with the part of the statement that can be agreed with.
Manipulation: "Your request is complete nonsense. You want to get rid of work at our expense."
Internal identification of manipulation: They are trying to make me feel guilty.
Response: "I understand that it looks like that..."
Manipulation: "Are you sure you understand? How long have you actually been doing this job?"
Internal identification: They are trying to make me feel inferior.
Neutral agreement: "Yes. We must not make a mistake."
3. Ask for an explanation
Ignore the manipulation and ask objectively about the purpose of the message.
Manipulation: "You're the only one here who doesn't understand."
Internal identification: They are trying to make me feel worse than others.
Response: "That’s possible. Explain to me how it’s supposed to be."
Manipulation: "Everyone is already done, except you..."
Internal identification: "They want to stress me out..."
Response: "I haven't finished it yet. Please tell me when you need it at the latest..."
4. Show understanding
Reflect on why the other person is manipulating you and what is bothering them, and tell them that you understand their feelings.
Manipulation: "If we don't reach a conclusion today, we'll have to deal with it without you."
Internal identification: They are already stressed about deadlines.
Response: "Yes, I understand that you're under pressure because of the deadlines. It's unpleasant. So, how can we proceed to reach an agreement?"
5. Don't say anything, don't react
Do not respond further and wait for a more constructive input from your partner. You don't have to respond to every manipulation. The manipulator will lose interest if his manipulation has no response.